Bleurgh

So, into the last stret,hes of both the year and my twenties, and i'm all worn out, physically, mentally and emotionally. All I want to do right now is just go to one of my 3 faviurite places in the country, anderby creek, kinder downfall, or goran haven, and just stick a tent up, and commune with nature again. I'm going back up to the family house in 2 days time, right out in the middle of nowhere, spending a few days just hibernating. I just want this blank cloud thats fallen over my head to disappear so I can get on with life. Have met some absokutely great people this year, both irl and online, and had fucking awesome times, but my head has decided to reset itself to its natural state of hating every single thing about me...

Simply put, I can't see a single good thing about myself, physically, mentally or emotionally, so I do not get it in the slightest when people say good things about me, it just does not compute. I hope that I do get better soon, I hope the three week break i'm gonna have soon helps, especially coz i'm gonna be spending a fair few days up with my second family in liverpool all of whom are awesome.  I hope my head mends itself soonish, coz i've recently had to do the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my entire life, but I had to do it, for the sake of my own mental recuperation. 

All I want right now, is a tent, solitude, vodka and weed. That is all I need

maths & physics & the meaning of life...

My current job role may involve political activism (of a kind...i couldn't think of  way of writing it without giving away exactly what my job entails for those of you who don't know me)  but that isn't where my heart lies...


My heart lies in the hard sciences, the physics, and astrophysics of the world, and, most especially in the language of science itself...mathematics...

At school, i was the typical maths geek,  didn't have much social interaction with most people....the people who i did have the interaction tendined to be at the opposite end of the scale....If any of you ever watched the amazing TV series by Judd Apatow, Freaks & Geeks,  i was the person who fitted in perfectly in both groups.

I still have a signed statement from the head of MEG (OCRs predescesor) congratulating me on taking my maths GCSE 2 years early, and managing to get 112% - which only 3 people in the country got that year...This may sound fucked up, especially for a maths exam, but, being the sad geek i was, i acgtually corrected one of the questions so sas to ensure that an answer was logicially permitted.

After this high flying start, i actually started my my maths & further maths a-levels while i was doing the rest of my gcses, 2 teachers,  one who knew exactly how to encourage people to get on with stuff and learn,  and the other, who was a miserable old bitch, who didn't really know maths that well, and was happy to admit she had never ever left the county of lincolnshire...By the time i'd done the rest of my gcses, i had done 8 out of the 12 modules needed for the 2 a-levels,  and had got  97%+ in 6 of them   (the other 2 were stats, which i hated, so didn't bother with),  which meant that i hardly had any work to do on that side, so, spent a hell of a lot of time just disappearing off to various places around the country...

On the physics side, i wasn't anywhere near as good as i was at maths, but iduring my a-levels, i had the good fortune of having the most inspirational teacher i have ever had...Even though, i found out something about him that disgusted me...he became the president (or whatever they call it) of voice "the union"  or the scabby fuckers as i like to know them...

When it was time to apply to uni, i knew that i was going to be going to manchester, whatever...a city i love that i have my roots in, and is still my spiritual heartland, so there was no way i couldn't go there,  the only difficulty was deciding what subject to do...I should by all rights have chosen maths, but coz i couldn't stand Miss *****, i decided to do physics w. astrophysics...Ok. I lie, it wasn't just because i hated her, i set her a basic maths test - one that a lot of people know why it doesn't work properly, and if she'd managed tog et the solution by the time my UCAS form had to be in, i would have done maths, it took her six months in the end to work out what the problem was...If any of you qwould like to see how simple it is,  here is a link http://math-fail.com/2011/09/21.html

So, in september 2000, off i toddled to manchester university, and i started as i meant to go on, drinking smoking, not turning up, not doing anything,  no wonder i was kicked out at the end of my second year (even though i still blame brian fucking cox for that), and that was the end of my connection with maths & science...

Why have i wrote all this??  because, i really want to start up on maths again, am trying to find a sample gcse paper, to see if i can still do it, and then maybe work my way up through the pure maths & mechanics A-Levels, and, then, i want to do an OU Maths degree, only problem is the money...I don't think i'lll be able to get a student loan to do it, as i'm still paying off my one from ten years ago,   so does anyone have any suggestions at all of to how i can do it, because i still feel an intimate link to maths, and, i feel at my most relaxed when reading through maths stuff...

Lists, lists & lists

while trying to get my lazy ass off to sleep tonbight, i decided to do a few quick lists of things i like and don't like

Music

Like      REM, Radiohead, Green Day (up to Nimrod), Super Furry Animals, Deftones, System of a Down, Atari Teenage riot, Pulp, Stormtroopers of Death, Weezer, soulfly, Flogging Molly, Less than Jake, Wreckless Eric, Dropkick Murphies, Slayer, Rancid, The Descendants, Bad Religion, Streetlight Manifesto

Dislike    Nickelback

Films
Like   The Princess Bride, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, the Jersey Trilogy, in the Loop

Dislike  Most others

TV Series
Like  Sons of Anarchy, Blackadder, Wonderfalls, Arrested Development, Royal Society Christmas Lectures, QI, The thick of it, West Wing, Freaks & Geeks, Undecided, crap reality shows

Hate   Anything with Brian Cox or Robert Webb in it, Glee, Soaps, many many others

Other things...

Like    The north, Lincolnshire if somebody else is hating on it

Dislikes   The south, Lincolnshire generally

depression and other things

Most people have been depressed at some point in their lives, most people have been depressed more than once, but i'm not sure that most people have had a cycle where they know they're depresseive at set times...


For the last 15 years, since i was a wee nipper of 14, i have gone through 3 year cycles of depression, going from the happiest places imaginable, to the darkest places possible.   I am currently in the downward spiral of one of these fuckers...

The things that worries me the most when i'm in these places are 1...pushing people who love me away, and 2. scaring off people who have only just found me.


dealing with these one at a time...

1...i hatedoing this, but i have to do it,   in the headspace i am going through, i can't cope with anybody else i have to think about, i can't connect my mind to the fact that other people care for me and want me to be good, i can only get that my own mind cannot cope with anything else at all, and, i'm sorry that i'm pushing people away, but, unless i'm in my own space i just won't get back to the good place

2...you've only just come across me, well, sorry, this is who i am, i don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks, this is me, purely me, the only me, and, if you feel like you want to be a friend, fuck it, you have to cope with me when i'm in these down places....


I am at the end of my mind right now, i just can't compute what is what, or reconcile the left with the right, all i can say is that i've been here before, and, depending on what happens, i'll be here again... I'm going to try and retire from the world, to stop myself scraming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and worrying people with my mental images of nuclear explosions, fire, and nooses, but, even though they may seem depressive, they are a part of me, they are something that does connect with my mind

I hope that i come through this, but if i do, i don't knw how long it may take, or what i may go through in between, but if i don't, i hope that you remember the good things.

I love you all

Love this old hippy

Running, Running, and more running

Those of you who follow me on twitter may have noticed over the last day or two, i've got a bit of Enthusiasm up for trying to start doing some running again. This may just sound like the general thing that a lot of people in their late twenties and early thirties do - the whole i'm gonna start getting some exercise again,  but for me it is a lot lot lot bigger thing mentally...

People who know me (or have started to know me since 1999) will be quite shcked by this, but i used to be a nifty little athlete.  The shock comes because i am a chain smoking, drinking, lazy bastard with a pronounced pot belly.  If you'd seen me before 1999 you may have had a little bit of a heart attack.

Starting from the age of 8, i did athletics, only small events at first, like fun runs, but i absolutely and utterly loved doing it,  then, when i started at secondary school, i was incredibly lucky to have a PE teacher, who was also a AAA level 3 coach, who coached at the local athletics Club as well, and he recognised, almost as soon as i started in year 7, that i had a wee bit of a talent for running.  By the end of the first term, i had competed in my first ever competitive championships,  - My counties School Cross Country Championships,  a championships tht had produced 8 prior GB Club champions, and had managed to absolutely wipe the floor,  winning the 3 mile cross country (Year 7 & 8) by quite a margin,  i then went on to the regional championships, where i finished in the top 3,  then the nationals, where i was top ten.

This repeated with the club i joined,  a small market town club, which didn't have a great history, but had incredibly dedicated coaches, and older members who were more than happy for a scrote a few years younger than them to race, and beat on occasions.

Over the years, i competed in further and further athletics championships, Cross Country Championships, Half marathons, and even on 3 occasions, full marathons.  One of my fellow athletes, who i raced against on 12 occasions (beating him on 9 of them) is now, rightly one of the most renowned Long Distance athletes in the world, Mo Farah,  The friendliest man on the planet,  who i still see when i go to the athletics grand prixs as a spectator, and who, always manages to track me down in the crowd, run over, and give me a massive massive hug.  In his rces,, when he has won,  Mo still does something that i believe every athlete should, he goes and talks to every single person who was in the race, and gives them encouragement,  you can see when he's rcing on tv that all of the other atheletes absolutely love him!

This is all well and good,  but it doesn't answer the question of why i no longer run...That can be summed up with a few phrases

   1. Smoking
   2. Drinking
   3. Fucked Knees and Ankles from doing thousands upon thousands of miles of training runs, in badly fitted trainers (bought from the local market) on badly surfaced country roads.  The nearest training track was 35 miles away, and was impossible for me to get to, so i had to train on the roads

My knee wouldn't be as big a problem as it is, except for one thing...I went to a country clubs track & fiekld championship, the day after one of my friends 17th brithdays,  and i turned up incredibly incredibly hungover to try and defend my 3000m Steeplechase title.  If you are not aware of steeplechase,  just be aware that it is the most technical of the long distance events, and exact pacing is required...Now, because i was hungover, i managed to get my pacing slightly out, and when i went for a hurdle on the second lap, instead of my leading leg flying over smoothly, and then bringing my trailing leg through,  my leading leg hit, at the knee, the hurdle...This doesn't sound that bad, but the steeplechase hurdle is a lump of solid wood, which is 15*15cm, and it fucking hurts!

Since that day, my knee has been fucked, and i dropped out of athletics, as the pain, the days after i tried any form of athletics, when my knee seized up again, was just too much to cope with,  so i left all of my exertions behind, to become a sedentiary lazy fucker i am today, while still keeping up the calory intake i had previously!

Most of my muscles have gone flabby as i don't do any exercise at all,  except for (i am reliably informed by my wonderful girlfirend)  my leg muscles, which could still break somebody elses leg if it was trapped in between...

Last night, i made myself a Thursday resolution  (i refuse to do new years resolutions, as they always fail) tht i am going to start running again...I'm not going to do my normal trick, and go straight for a 25 min 5 mile run, i'm actually going to start small, and work my way up, working all of my muscles, and hopefully that will help bring my knee into place...I just need to get over this damn chest infection first...Rest assured, i will not be one of those annoying fuckers who jogs on the pavement in high vis jackets, i will be running, actually setting a pace, and doing countryside runs, not just town pavement ones.  My ultimate aim is to have the fitness levels back to be able to try and compete in the Wasdale Fell Race either next year, or 2013...The wasdale fell is one of the hardest fell races in this country, but the exhileration as you come down of the top is just unbelievable, and i would love to run it again!

If anyblody ahs any tips on hiow i can get my knees and ankles fit for running again, it would be highly appreciated!

fucking the fucking fuckers who've fucked me over

as you may be able to tell from the title, i'm not in the best place right now.  Am off work, with a lung infection, but what's not helping is worrying about  money.

I'm a 29yr old, with a very bad financial history, i still have defaults against my name because of stuff done when i was at uUniversity.  "here you go, have yourself a £2000 overdraft, and a £1000 credit card"  from many different banks, because at that point in life, i hadn't clicked on that the money tree was not real!

Why am i worrying now?  Mainly because i've had a look at my financial spreadsheet, and am balancing paydayloans in order to survive...i currently have approx ~£1000 of them, all of which are on rollovers every month, meaning i don't actually manage to reduce the amount i owe!

I'm a 29 yr old, who hasn't been on holiday since i was 16, unless you count going to friends for a week, and sleeping on their sofa, i don't own anything of value, i rent, i don't drive,  and yet i do actually earn good money!

I have a lot of very very good friends, but none of them are in a position to help me out, and, if they were, i don't think i'd be able to take up their offer, as borrowing money from friends and family is a recipe for disaster.

I'm almost at the point where i go fuck it, there's no point in being here anymore. Hopefully it won't get to that point, but it does feel like i'm edging closer and closer. I earn good wages, but most of it goes on paying back decade old overdrafts and credit cards, and none of the financial companies will lend to me, but they're more than happy to waste shitloads of taxpayers money on companies with no hope!

Sorry for the maudlinity, but i'm not really feeling at my best today, lung infection, depression coz of money, stress and anxiety.

thanks for taking the time to read this, i'm heading off to curl up and hide from the world forever

issues, issues and more issues

I said that i wasn't going to do a look back on the day of n30, coz it's just too big to try and get all thoughts and feelings down, so i'm not, i'm leaving that to people a lot more skilled in the art of writing, and connecting the thinking bit of the brain to the typing bit of the fingers,  what i am going to talk about is issues, specifically things that  i have issues wit, and they have issues with me.

There are many many things that i have issues with, ranging from bigotted cunts, to ignoramuses, to sheeple,  but there is only 1 thing i can think of that i have an issue with, and which in return has an issue with me,  and over the last few weeks it has been at the forefront of my mind.

This thing is something that everybody needs, but in varying amounts, and that everybody finds a problem at times....I'm talking about Sleep, Glorious Sleep, the time when we are able to switch off from all the worries and woes of the universe, and let our overact brains start spinning little hallucinogenic nuggets iof insanity that are otherwise called dreams.

What is my issue with sleep??  It's the constantly rotating sessions of sleep disorder that i have, going from Insomnia, to Hypersomnia, with narcolepsy thrown in on occasions.  I worked out, that if you average out my sleeping out, i need a minimum of 11hrs to function as a human being, and even then, that is pushing it! I do not understand how people can cope on 4 hours, as infamously Margaret Thatcher did.  actually, i can work it out in her case,  she's a cyborg, she's the second prototype cyborg ever made, after Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother.  Is it all starting to make sense yet?  Thats why she could get by on 4 hours sleep (we all know it was actually no sleep, she just needed to hide the fact that she was a cyborg who got her power through the broken dreams of the working class).  I'm definitely not one of those people.

As well as the hours upon hours upon hours of sleep that i need, i also need about 4 hours from when i eventually wake, until i am a fully functioning human being, and not a zombie,   anybody who has ever seen me in the morning will know that to be a fact. I cnnot function until my head has tried to contrast the warm fuzziness of being in sleep land to the cold harsh reality of the real world.  this is normally a long long battle, in which i am just a spectator, sat with a gallon cup of tea in my hand, staring blankly into the wall while lounging on my settee in my dressing gown.    The battle is a long fought one, but unfortunately, reality normally wins, and so i have to drag myself away :(

Over the last few weeks, in the build up to #n30, i have been having problems with my sleep,  when i say problems, what i really mean is that i am so stressed, and so exhausted from the build up, that when it gets to be sleep time, it was taking my head 5+hrs to get relaxed enough that it could go to sleep, and then by the time it was time to get up for work, it had only just started the obligatory hallucinations. This obviously leads to a vicious vicious spiral, and then suddenly,  me, the man who doesn't do stress, the man who normally has a natural THC content right up through the roof, the man who is stoned without even smoking,  gets so so so so stressed that i just explode, and dish out physical vilence, involving my skull, to inanimate objects.   It doesn't hurt (i seem to have an adamantium skull)  but it is very very satisfying.

Now that n30 is over, my plans involve resetting my Body/Sleep interface, by forcing it into a mutual assured position, through the copious use of raspberry vodka, spicy vodka, beer, and sleeping tablets.  I dopn't know whetehr i'll come out of this a human being, or if i will have turned into a grizzlky bear, but whatever, happens, my body may catch up on the long long missing sleep.  If i'm not seen by monday,  don't call the police, just let me be. I'll wake up when i'm ready in spring.

This may also mean that i sleep away my last month of being in my 20s, if so,  fair play.  I'll see you when i'm older.

Auf wiedersehen pets

#n30 some first thoughts

So, it's finally #n30. The biggest day in the last generation for trade unions, and the media has been doing everything they can to belittle it.

i'm not one to accuse the bbc of having an inbuikt bias, but, just this morning, on the breakfast news, they had live segments from Bury St Edmunds. Don't get me wrong, I do like the town of BSE, but, it has a reputation as being an incredibky well to do town, with the most famous current resident being Norman Tebbitt.  The segments that they did were from a.coffee shop, and, if you don't know the town like I do, you'd be under the impression that this was in the town centre...oh no, it's in an expensive new build estate, two miles out.of the centre, the opposite side of town to where the majority of people who are affected by the governments proposals live, the public sector workers, the users of public services. This estate is full of "businesspeople" you all know the type, the ones who "can't afford to pay my staff any more, we're all in this together" while still buying brand new top of the range ferrarris every five months, and sending their kids to the highest paying independent schools, and then flying off to necker island for a two week break "from the stress".  This coffee shop caters for these people, £5 for a bog standard cup of tea...

In the town itself this morning, everybody was so so supportive. I had on my badges from various unions, and when I went into town to get the pcs jobcentre pickets a cuppa, the market traders all asked me to pass my best on, and, in the local independent cafe, the owner refused to accept any  money at all for the 8 cups of tea and coffee I got, because, as she said "they're fighting for us, they do all the shit work that we need to get on with our lives" 

This is correct in every sense. Think of who the strikers are

Teachers - educating the citizens of tomorrow
Hospital staff - helping to ensure we're all well
Bin collectors - we don't want our rubbish going rotten on the doorstep
Library staff -one of the most essential community services
Jobcentre workers -giving the help to those in the worst places in society

This is just A sample of the.millions of different public sector workers.

I'm currently on a train on my way yo ipswich, to hear megan dobney (Sertuc secretary), Richard Howett (labour mep) and Kerry fairless (pcs regional chair for eastern region) speak after a march through the town. I know that we will all get the same support there as we have had in bury.

So, a quick message to every single one of you who is on strike.  DON'T BE DISHEARTENED, THE COUNTRY IS BEHIND YOU, it's just the.media, the coalition, and the labour leadership who aren't, which is why all of the media is whitewashing the facts....they're all running scared.

Stay strong comrades

Sleeping (or not) and the art of being a liberal hippy

Once again, i'm having trouble sleeping. Getting 5mins, then being wide awake again. I just can't wait for this week to be over, then maybe, finally, I can actually get some well jeeded sleep.

I need sleep

I can't function without sleep

Time without sleep makes me stressed

Stress makes me sleepless

Therefore, I cannot function as a human being.

I hope that once this week is over, once wednesday november 30th is out of the way, and the immediacy of the biggest strike in the uks history is gone, I will be able to sleep, but I aint'nt counting on it, coz there's always other thkngs to make me stressed, mainly financial.

Sleeping tablets.are ok, but they just make me even tirederer, and even more grumpy in the morning. I just wish I had a button on the side of my head that I could push to go straight to sleep.

I say all this now, but in a couple of weeks, the exact opposite will be the problem, I won't be able to keep awake, I will be sleeping for whole days at a time. It always happens, but it's just annoying...

And, on another note...i got a text from a good friend up in the midlands, he's decided that the best words to describe me are liberal hippy...i'm not sure I should be admitting that, especially the first one when liberals seem to be helping the tories in destroying the social fabric of the.country, but it made me chuckle.  And hippy?? Maybe in some ways, but thats coz I were bought up in the middle.of the countryside, by a ginger hippy!

No connection between any of this except for sleepdeprived ramblings.

Somebody please get a gun and shoot me. At least it means I won't be awake

The hierarchy of evil

There is evil, and then there's evil...Evil has many incarnations, and many different varieties of evil.

This weekend I have been thinking long and hard about my own personal hierarchy of evil, and the reasoning for the evil things being in there, so, here we go, from the top down

1. Ventriloquists dummies: These are the one thing I have a true, geniuine fear of. Automatonaphobia. Just seeing a picture of a ventriloquists dummy makes my heart race and my skin go clammy. It's so bad, that there was even a weather presenter who I could not watch without freaking out, purely because he looks like a ventriloquist dunny...

2. Morris Dancers: Morris dancers are just pure wrong, they are evil on every single level of the word evil. A pot of people say that you shouldn't hate them, because "they're traditional" , so what, racism and slavery are.traditiknal, and it doesn't stop me hating them!

3. Large Crowds: They are just wrong, and evil, and I don't like them.

4. Brian Cox, the physicist:  The man who makes me shout CUUUUNNNNNTTTTTT at high volumes if I see him on tv...Brian Cox is evil. Full stop.   Admittedly this may not travel, as a lot of people apparently love him, but I have very very personal issues with him, related to his role at university as a lab tutor...

5. Mime Artists:  Just learn the fucking lines, it's not that fucking hard.

6. Scabs: Why should you get the benefits of any negotiations when you've destroyed any notion of solidarity...Only scabs scab.

7. The EDL:  people who unfortunately haven't learnt the lesson of scapegoating down the ages, and will not listen.  I will not say any more on this, at this time.

8. Robert Webb: Again, this is a personal one. I come from a flat area in the middle of the east coast. Robert Webb and his family come from the same area. I have worked with members of his family, I know ex-girlfriends of his, I know school friends of his, from when he were a redcurrant, and they have told me stories that would be shocking for most people to hear.

9. Shiny Faced Tory Cunts:  Completely self explanatory!!

Every single one of these appeared in my nightmares last night. A long long sleep, but filled with dread and foreboding :(

Question time - your daily 2.35 minutes of rage!

This morning, when I woke up after a deep deep sleep, after a day of ultimate stress, I realised something that has beeb niggling at the back of my hrain for a long time.

Question time, supposedly the bbcs flagship Political Discussion programme is actually a government plot to control us all.

Think about it, they always choose the people who the normals in society would disown, the daniel hannetts, the theresa mays, and never have anybody who can shoot their wrong arguments down. This means that those of us who are activists, those who of us who are the most risk to the government, waste all of our energy, which we could put into overthrowing the coalition into screaming our heads off at the tv...

A bit conspiracy theorist I know, but that doesn't mean it's not true!!

invisibility in disability

I am disabled. I have both physical, and mental disabilities. I call them disabilities, not illnesses as they have lasted a long time, and are going to last a long time more.  My disabilities are hidden, and so a lot of people don't believe i am disabled as "i can't see it"

I have had depression for as long as i can remember, to such an extent, that i had to be "rescued" from University, and dragged back to family home, for fear that i may actually follow through with the attempted suicides that had happened. I am forever grateful for the help that was given to me by the mental cre trust where i lived, and then for the advisors at the jobcentre, who helped me get a job, eventually, after a long time on incapacity benefit because of this.

I am also on the autistic spectrum, and i find it very hard to tell facial expressions, i have Safe places, and feel incredibly uncomfortable if i'm not in one of my safe places.  I like pushing myself, and in the job i have, i have to do this day out, day in, going into new building, meeting new people all the time! I also can't live with people, which is annoying financially,  as i need my own place, where i can feel relaxed and not have to worry about other people!

I can cope with these,  the disability that fucks me up, that makes me cry out in agony at times, is my ears. I have had over 30 operations on my ears, for everything from grommetts, to entirely replacing the auditory canal between my cochlea and the outer ear.  I am officially deaf as well, even though i manage to hide it quite well on the whole.  90 of the time, my ears do the job they are meant to, with just a small bit of background pain - i'm used to this, and it makes me feel human.  The bit i don't like is when my ears do what they have done tonight, and just suddenly, and without warning, go into incredibly high levels of pain, where my hearing goes super super sensitive, and i can hear everything that happens, and where each little sound adds to the ultimate and incredible pain that i have. Each breathe is like a little dagger as the pressure changes in my eustachian tube. each heartbeat adds agony as the pulse beats through my ear, ooze pours out of the many scars running through the auditory canal, and by ooze i mean minging badly ooze! Yet, people, even people who know i have these problems don't understand just how badly this hurts, and how debilitating it is. This is whats happening now, and i just want to cut my head off, i never know how badly it's gonna last.   FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

We are many, we are one. Lets work together...

I've been  part of a few music scenes in my lifetime, strictly as a bystander/general dogsbody, never as an active participant,  some of these were good - the great North Hykeham Ska Revival of 1998, the Heartland of Nottingham Industrial in the mid 90s, the defiant outbursts of the late 90's polish incursion of Fulham - and some bad (incredibly incredibly bad) - The Wolds Crusty Convoy, the Fenland Glam revival of 2001, and worst of all, the Worksop symphonic metal bands of the mid 2000s.

The one thing that all if these scenes, and all of the bands involved had in common, apart from me of course, is the passion that was there. The absolute and utter passion that success would be had, that the music was amazing, and that things could be changed!

Nowadays, i tend to associate these levels of passion with the left. By the left, i don't mean the Labour party, or mainstream politics, i mean the small groupings that spring up at a moments notice, the anarchists, the solidarity campaigns, the campaignining Trade Unions (by which, i mean of course PCS) and the occupy camps.

Over the last few days, many of you will have received an email, a tweet, a message, asking you to purchase "The workers; We can work together."  Like many of you, i followed the link, and watched the youtube video, and like many of you, i was appalled and disgusted.

We are at one of the defining moments in History for the working class, in the future, November 30th will be seen as either the point when the masses gave up, and rolled over to die, or, hopefully, when they rose up, and fought off the shackles of the rich, and the corporations who try to keep us down.

As such, you'd hope that the TUC would have chose to release a song with the anger and passion felt by millions, to try and rally the troops to the cause, but no, they choose to release the most anodyne pile of steaming dog turds this side of the X-Factor (and the other side as well) with a wishy washy sentiment "lets work together" - no, lets smash the system, lets recreate the world in the image of most of humanity, lets have anger, passion, desire for change, belief, hope, inspiration. A song that can bring together the whole country in legion to stop the attacks.   Yet again, the TUC let's us down...

I wasn't going to write anything at all about this, as it didn't think it was worth even this little effort, but my phone gave me inspiration on my walk home from work during the dark. First of all, it played Get up while you can - one of the best songs by Atari Teenage Riot - a band who fused techno with hardcore in an attack against neofascists in early 90s germany, and then, it followed it by one of my favourite artists of the last five years, the strictly none political (or so he says) Frank Turner.

Frank Turners beautiful Track Love Ire & song is the sort of song that i think the TUC should have commisioned, an acceptance of the failures of the past, and the lethargy felt by many, followed by a heartfelt and powerful call to man the barricades.

Whoever was in chrge of the commissioning of "The Workers", i undertsand the thining behind it, but you have failed on every single level imaginable, and then on thousands more. If anybody actually pays to buy this song, i may have reached the end of the line in my despair with the british isles

Everything will be discombombled

An admission to start with. I am what you can call a "bad drinker" I go days without eating and then load the grain straight in, and slowly go from bad to "that twat sat in the corner swaying".

This wouldn't be so much of a problem, except that, I also have a habit of flirting (incredibly badly) through the medium of t'interweb, and just generally being a cunt!

This isn't every time, just so you know, when i'm in the company of great friends, and likeminded people, i'm actually a good drunk, hapoy go lucky, chatty, lovely and loveable, it's only when i'm in the company of closed minded bigots that the twat comes to the forefront, and unfortunately, due to where I live, this is more and more so, I live in what could be politely called a tory town..

There is only one person, bar myself, who is hapoy to call himself left, and he is an unreconstructed stalinist...

So yeah, me and alcohol, NOOOOOOOOO... And, heres a little ditty http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCgX4ixCRcQ&sns=tw

Money is the root of all evil

Some of you who've read this know who I am, some of you don't. Those who do I think know that i'm not having a great time money wise, and this is helping me to sink deeper and deeper into despair

Currently, even though I get paid what I call a "Decent Salary", I can not afford to live. I do not pay into my employers occupational scheme, because I can't afford it. My rent takes up 40% of my take home wages, and even if the town I live in did have cheaper flats (I can not do house shares, as due to the stress of my job, I need somewhere I can just be me, with no worries), I wouldn't be able to afford the deposit.  Most people say, it'll be fine, just stay at mates once you move out, until you get your deposit back, but, that doesn't come to me, it goes to the people who very very kindly paid my deposit and a couple of months rent when I moved down here.

I pay a large amount of my wages to a debt collection agency, in respect of many debts I incurred when I was a student, and the nice friendly debt collection agency, who bought up all of my debts for Pennies in the Pound, decided to wait to contact me, until 3 days before the 6yr statute of limitation, even though they had access to all addresses I was connected with...I can hear a lot of you asking why I hadn't tried to contact the companies I had the debts with previously, it can be answered quite simply.  Nervous Breakdown, a forced repatriation by my family from the beautiful Northern City I was living in, for fears I would take my own life (not unfounded), and then spending 3 yrs in intense councelling, and on Incapacity Benefit.  It's enough to make you forget things.

I haven't been able to pay my gas, electric, or tv licence for 4 months, because I only have £100 a month (plus or minus £10), and I need to use this to pay for my travelling with work, admittedly, I get this money back (eventually) but I have to pay it upfront...i have to take out multiple payday loans each month, just to survive, because they don't check your credit rating on the whole. Each one of these incurs quite high interest and fees each month, so to cover those, I have to take out further and further payday loans.

The worst bit about it, is, if I had a decent credit rating, I could get a loan which would be able to pay of the collection agency, the payday loans, pay my bills, and still have £400 a month "me money" but because I don't have a good one, nobody will lend me this!  It's enough to force anybody into depression and despair.

It is because of this that I absolutely and utterly support the trade unions who have balloted/are balloting their members for strike action on the 30th november. These ordinary workers will be forced into the position I am currently in, paying more each month, having a reduced standard of living, and being forced into debt to survive, all because the government decided to bail out the banks who got us into this mess, who refused to give people who could afford it loans, but were more than happy to lend other companies billions, which they couldn't afford back.

All out on the 30th!

stressed

Stressed.  Shit Day.....GGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

an Open Letter to Mr Cunty McCuntface (Or franics maude as he is known in public)

Dear Mr Cunty McCuntface,

I'm a bit late getting on here to reply to you about you suggestion of a 15 minute strike, and i know that there are a lot of people all around the country who will have responded in a measured and literate style, however, that isn't my Forte, so, here goes.

Mr Cunty McCuntface, you really are a cunt of the highest order, when public sector workers all over the country are united in opposition to your plans to completely rip up public sector pension schemes, including Headteachers, who haven't striked in more than 100 years (YES, I SAID 100 Years), and you completely and utterly show a disrgard to them, and also a disregard of what striking actually entails...Public Sector workers are only trying to keep hold of the pensions they currently have, not gain more.

A Strike is only called if it is a very last resort, and it is a last resort now, coz you have refused to negotiate (definition "Try to reach an agreement or compromise by discussion with others: "his government's willingness to negotiate""), and the whole point of  strike action is to disrupt the business of them who the dispute is against.

A 15 min strike will not disupt business. it will be a longer teabreak,  and will be impossible to do in schools, because of in loco parentis.

that's all i'm going to say now, apart from FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING CUNT, AND SIT DOWN AND HAVE MEANINGFUL NEGOTIATIONS

Stuff that is stuff!

So, I went down to occupylsx last night, after having had a major train fail (First.capital connect, i'm looking at you, don't try to hide, it's you) and was just so impressed, and so inspired by the hundreds of peoe who care so passionately for their cause, that they are willi.g to camp out, in late autumn, in the middle of one of the busiest cites in the world.  I couldn't do it, but Kudos to those who are!!

After being there for a while, I realised i'd missed my last train home, so rang a friend I haven't seen for a year or two, and told her I was staying on her sofa (no ifs, no buts, I was staying).  Ended up having a good laugh, and a catch up. She's one of these people, who, because i've known her a hell of a long time, we can just start chatting about anything and everything like it hasn't been a whole year! And we were having a lot of a giggle at my girlfriend and her drunk conversations!  Sorry darling, but they were so so so funny!

Time to try and head home somehow I think!

Loud music and early mornings

For those of you who know me, you'll understand exactly what this time of day means to me, for those who don't, the simplest way of putting it is "Jesus Fucking Christ, there's two 8 o clocks in the day". I do not do mornings, yet for some strange reason, I am up, about, and heading by train into london.

How does this connect with the title of this post??  I think it's the look of disgust on the face of the commuting public as my ear phones shout raw blooded screams of defiance into my ear, the scientifically proved one and only way of forcing the little switch into my brain from the "you're still meant to be asleep, lie down and shut your eyes" position to the "what's going on, where am I, how did I get here, lets start waking up position".

The shocking thing (to me anyway) is that the looks of disgust seem to be aimed more at the protest/political type songs that come raring out of the buds, the akalas, ratms, propagandhis, king blues, billy braggs, rather than the straight forward screamers  -your slayers, deftones, stormtroopers of death, slipknot and the like.

I have decided why this must be.  I am on a commuter train, in my shirt, tie and jacket, ready to go to a members meeting, and it appears to be that by listening to political music I am breaking the unwritten rule of commuterdom - don't do anything that's not grey.

I have one answer to that, thanks to the wisdom of zach de la rocha..."FUCK YOU (COMMUTERS) I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TOLD ME"

The joys of a refreshing pint

I think that the title says it all, but in case it doesn't, here goes...

After a long week of working hard at the coalface of industrial relations, then spending all weekend in bed, just relaxing, nothing can beat a nice quiet sunday night pint in a proper local pub to set yourself right for the week ahead.  Now, many people have their own description of what a local may be, but for me, my pub of choice is well known on the tourist trail, for its size, yet it is still a local, as the barman knows me name, knows me poison of choice, and will natter to me about the joys of sci-fi (it takes my mind off of the heavy thoughts of organising), and, most important of all, when the pub is packed with all of those tourists, myself, and the other locals move up the pint pouring queue,  so, on that point, to the pub!

Ed Milliband, and why he is officially now known as Ed "Spineless fucking Political Class Tory Wannabe Tosser"

A Confession,  I am not currently a member of any political party, even though i have been a member of the Labour Party at various times in the past,  however, i would class myself purely and simply as an unaligned socialist.

After Gordon Brown finally decided to stand down, i rejoined the labour party, as, i thought with people like John McDonnell putting their name forward as leader, there may have been a chance that the "Party of the Working Class" may finally go back to its roots, and actually work for the betterment of the working class in the UK, not just for the bankers and large corporations for whom all 3 of the main political parties seem to be the dancing puppet for.

Obviously, as anybody who has even the slightest interest in the British Political Scene is aware, this did not happen, and, the party gained as its Leader, Ed Milliband - seen at the time as the lesser of the 2 Milliband evils...

Ed Milliband,  has fucked over the working class consistently since,  especially with his comments on the July 30th Strike  "Striking is wrong if negotiations are ongoing"  this is fair enough, however, as we all know, meaningful negotiations were not ongoing...Negotiating involved both sides going in with a set of demands, and a compromise being reached,  not one side being willing to make a compromise, while the other sits there with their arms crossed saying "Fuck you, we ain't moving an inch, we're gonna fuck over all of your members purely because we are able to, and we want to finish off what Thatcher started"...

The thing that has really really got my goat this weekend is Ed trying to take on the Kudos of the occupy movement, while avoiding commenting on any of the issues that have been consistently raised by the movement, and whilst also avoiding consistently backing the Unions who are due to take part in the 30th November Pensions Action (Collectively covering over 3 million mainly working class members).   This has pissed me off majorly, How on earth can the so called leader of the labour party, not back millions of working class people in a struggle to receive the pension that they have signed up for, and which is affordable...This, my fellow people, is why, whenever i say the name of the current leader of the labour party, it will now be followed by the apt descriptor "Spineless Fucking Political Class Tory Wannabe Tosser", while feeling that his late lamented father, Ralph, will be turning in his grave, wondering what on earth he did wrong in both Ed & Daves upbringing!

Quick Introduction...

Ok, well, i've never blogged before, but, with everything thats going on at the moment,  i felt it the time to pick my writing hands off the dust covered shelf, and try and engage that gear that lives between the brain, and the typing fingers...

Why have i decided to blog?

right, i work for a UK Trade Union, who shall remain nameless for various reasons, but, hopefully it will be enough to say that they are one of the many involved in #n30.  I may work for this union, but as all of those who know me know,  this is not where my heart lies.  Before becoming a full time Organiser for the unnanmed TU, i was a very active member of the Trade Union who i still believe is the most active, and does the most for it's membership, as well as keeping the true values of trade unions to the forefront...I am talking of course about PCS.

Most people in the UK Trade Union movement are fully aware that once a PCS activist, always a (secret) PCS Activist, and i think that this is true in my case.  All of the people who i am happy to class as very good friends, and even Family Members (None Genetically, and None Legally) are all involved in PCS still
at varying levels of involvement.


Once i gained my current job (at some point in the last 10 years), via the wonder of the TUC Organising Academy, i received the shock of my life...Not all Trade Unions have the same view of organising, and how it works, as PCS, and also didn't have the same actively involved members at every level within the organisation.  This has been something i have tried to work on over the years, but it always seemed like one step forward, two steps backwards,  until the last six months...

I am now proud of my employers, and their membership, and i will back them to the hilt with other trade unions members all across the country.

Why has this happened?  Well, the government seems to have finally awoken a sleeping monster,  my members, who on the whole were happy to just bumble onwards without a thought about what was going on politically, have finally decided that they need to fight for their rights. They are getting involved in Trades Councils, Anti-Cuts groups, Town Committees, and are leading the way in some aspects.  DO NOT FUCK WITH PUBLIC SECTOR WORKERS PENSIONS OR YOU WILL GET RIPPED TO SHREDS...

i will try to write more later, but my mind has gone as balnk as blank can be.

Ta ra for now