depression and other things

Most people have been depressed at some point in their lives, most people have been depressed more than once, but i'm not sure that most people have had a cycle where they know they're depresseive at set times...


For the last 15 years, since i was a wee nipper of 14, i have gone through 3 year cycles of depression, going from the happiest places imaginable, to the darkest places possible.   I am currently in the downward spiral of one of these fuckers...

The things that worries me the most when i'm in these places are 1...pushing people who love me away, and 2. scaring off people who have only just found me.


dealing with these one at a time...

1...i hatedoing this, but i have to do it,   in the headspace i am going through, i can't cope with anybody else i have to think about, i can't connect my mind to the fact that other people care for me and want me to be good, i can only get that my own mind cannot cope with anything else at all, and, i'm sorry that i'm pushing people away, but, unless i'm in my own space i just won't get back to the good place

2...you've only just come across me, well, sorry, this is who i am, i don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks, this is me, purely me, the only me, and, if you feel like you want to be a friend, fuck it, you have to cope with me when i'm in these down places....


I am at the end of my mind right now, i just can't compute what is what, or reconcile the left with the right, all i can say is that i've been here before, and, depending on what happens, i'll be here again... I'm going to try and retire from the world, to stop myself scraming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and worrying people with my mental images of nuclear explosions, fire, and nooses, but, even though they may seem depressive, they are a part of me, they are something that does connect with my mind

I hope that i come through this, but if i do, i don't knw how long it may take, or what i may go through in between, but if i don't, i hope that you remember the good things.

I love you all

Love this old hippy