invisibility in disability

I am disabled. I have both physical, and mental disabilities. I call them disabilities, not illnesses as they have lasted a long time, and are going to last a long time more.  My disabilities are hidden, and so a lot of people don't believe i am disabled as "i can't see it"

I have had depression for as long as i can remember, to such an extent, that i had to be "rescued" from University, and dragged back to family home, for fear that i may actually follow through with the attempted suicides that had happened. I am forever grateful for the help that was given to me by the mental cre trust where i lived, and then for the advisors at the jobcentre, who helped me get a job, eventually, after a long time on incapacity benefit because of this.

I am also on the autistic spectrum, and i find it very hard to tell facial expressions, i have Safe places, and feel incredibly uncomfortable if i'm not in one of my safe places.  I like pushing myself, and in the job i have, i have to do this day out, day in, going into new building, meeting new people all the time! I also can't live with people, which is annoying financially,  as i need my own place, where i can feel relaxed and not have to worry about other people!

I can cope with these,  the disability that fucks me up, that makes me cry out in agony at times, is my ears. I have had over 30 operations on my ears, for everything from grommetts, to entirely replacing the auditory canal between my cochlea and the outer ear.  I am officially deaf as well, even though i manage to hide it quite well on the whole.  90 of the time, my ears do the job they are meant to, with just a small bit of background pain - i'm used to this, and it makes me feel human.  The bit i don't like is when my ears do what they have done tonight, and just suddenly, and without warning, go into incredibly high levels of pain, where my hearing goes super super sensitive, and i can hear everything that happens, and where each little sound adds to the ultimate and incredible pain that i have. Each breathe is like a little dagger as the pressure changes in my eustachian tube. each heartbeat adds agony as the pulse beats through my ear, ooze pours out of the many scars running through the auditory canal, and by ooze i mean minging badly ooze! Yet, people, even people who know i have these problems don't understand just how badly this hurts, and how debilitating it is. This is whats happening now, and i just want to cut my head off, i never know how badly it's gonna last.   FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK