Bleurgh

So, into the last stret,hes of both the year and my twenties, and i'm all worn out, physically, mentally and emotionally. All I want to do right now is just go to one of my 3 faviurite places in the country, anderby creek, kinder downfall, or goran haven, and just stick a tent up, and commune with nature again. I'm going back up to the family house in 2 days time, right out in the middle of nowhere, spending a few days just hibernating. I just want this blank cloud thats fallen over my head to disappear so I can get on with life. Have met some absokutely great people this year, both irl and online, and had fucking awesome times, but my head has decided to reset itself to its natural state of hating every single thing about me...

Simply put, I can't see a single good thing about myself, physically, mentally or emotionally, so I do not get it in the slightest when people say good things about me, it just does not compute. I hope that I do get better soon, I hope the three week break i'm gonna have soon helps, especially coz i'm gonna be spending a fair few days up with my second family in liverpool all of whom are awesome.  I hope my head mends itself soonish, coz i've recently had to do the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my entire life, but I had to do it, for the sake of my own mental recuperation. 

All I want right now, is a tent, solitude, vodka and weed. That is all I need

maths & physics & the meaning of life...

My current job role may involve political activism (of a kind...i couldn't think of  way of writing it without giving away exactly what my job entails for those of you who don't know me)  but that isn't where my heart lies...


My heart lies in the hard sciences, the physics, and astrophysics of the world, and, most especially in the language of science itself...mathematics...

At school, i was the typical maths geek,  didn't have much social interaction with most people....the people who i did have the interaction tendined to be at the opposite end of the scale....If any of you ever watched the amazing TV series by Judd Apatow, Freaks & Geeks,  i was the person who fitted in perfectly in both groups.

I still have a signed statement from the head of MEG (OCRs predescesor) congratulating me on taking my maths GCSE 2 years early, and managing to get 112% - which only 3 people in the country got that year...This may sound fucked up, especially for a maths exam, but, being the sad geek i was, i acgtually corrected one of the questions so sas to ensure that an answer was logicially permitted.

After this high flying start, i actually started my my maths & further maths a-levels while i was doing the rest of my gcses, 2 teachers,  one who knew exactly how to encourage people to get on with stuff and learn,  and the other, who was a miserable old bitch, who didn't really know maths that well, and was happy to admit she had never ever left the county of lincolnshire...By the time i'd done the rest of my gcses, i had done 8 out of the 12 modules needed for the 2 a-levels,  and had got  97%+ in 6 of them   (the other 2 were stats, which i hated, so didn't bother with),  which meant that i hardly had any work to do on that side, so, spent a hell of a lot of time just disappearing off to various places around the country...

On the physics side, i wasn't anywhere near as good as i was at maths, but iduring my a-levels, i had the good fortune of having the most inspirational teacher i have ever had...Even though, i found out something about him that disgusted me...he became the president (or whatever they call it) of voice "the union"  or the scabby fuckers as i like to know them...

When it was time to apply to uni, i knew that i was going to be going to manchester, whatever...a city i love that i have my roots in, and is still my spiritual heartland, so there was no way i couldn't go there,  the only difficulty was deciding what subject to do...I should by all rights have chosen maths, but coz i couldn't stand Miss *****, i decided to do physics w. astrophysics...Ok. I lie, it wasn't just because i hated her, i set her a basic maths test - one that a lot of people know why it doesn't work properly, and if she'd managed tog et the solution by the time my UCAS form had to be in, i would have done maths, it took her six months in the end to work out what the problem was...If any of you qwould like to see how simple it is,  here is a link http://math-fail.com/2011/09/21.html

So, in september 2000, off i toddled to manchester university, and i started as i meant to go on, drinking smoking, not turning up, not doing anything,  no wonder i was kicked out at the end of my second year (even though i still blame brian fucking cox for that), and that was the end of my connection with maths & science...

Why have i wrote all this??  because, i really want to start up on maths again, am trying to find a sample gcse paper, to see if i can still do it, and then maybe work my way up through the pure maths & mechanics A-Levels, and, then, i want to do an OU Maths degree, only problem is the money...I don't think i'lll be able to get a student loan to do it, as i'm still paying off my one from ten years ago,   so does anyone have any suggestions at all of to how i can do it, because i still feel an intimate link to maths, and, i feel at my most relaxed when reading through maths stuff...

Lists, lists & lists

while trying to get my lazy ass off to sleep tonbight, i decided to do a few quick lists of things i like and don't like

Music

Like      REM, Radiohead, Green Day (up to Nimrod), Super Furry Animals, Deftones, System of a Down, Atari Teenage riot, Pulp, Stormtroopers of Death, Weezer, soulfly, Flogging Molly, Less than Jake, Wreckless Eric, Dropkick Murphies, Slayer, Rancid, The Descendants, Bad Religion, Streetlight Manifesto

Dislike    Nickelback

Films
Like   The Princess Bride, Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, the Jersey Trilogy, in the Loop

Dislike  Most others

TV Series
Like  Sons of Anarchy, Blackadder, Wonderfalls, Arrested Development, Royal Society Christmas Lectures, QI, The thick of it, West Wing, Freaks & Geeks, Undecided, crap reality shows

Hate   Anything with Brian Cox or Robert Webb in it, Glee, Soaps, many many others

Other things...

Like    The north, Lincolnshire if somebody else is hating on it

Dislikes   The south, Lincolnshire generally

depression and other things

Most people have been depressed at some point in their lives, most people have been depressed more than once, but i'm not sure that most people have had a cycle where they know they're depresseive at set times...


For the last 15 years, since i was a wee nipper of 14, i have gone through 3 year cycles of depression, going from the happiest places imaginable, to the darkest places possible.   I am currently in the downward spiral of one of these fuckers...

The things that worries me the most when i'm in these places are 1...pushing people who love me away, and 2. scaring off people who have only just found me.


dealing with these one at a time...

1...i hatedoing this, but i have to do it,   in the headspace i am going through, i can't cope with anybody else i have to think about, i can't connect my mind to the fact that other people care for me and want me to be good, i can only get that my own mind cannot cope with anything else at all, and, i'm sorry that i'm pushing people away, but, unless i'm in my own space i just won't get back to the good place

2...you've only just come across me, well, sorry, this is who i am, i don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks, this is me, purely me, the only me, and, if you feel like you want to be a friend, fuck it, you have to cope with me when i'm in these down places....


I am at the end of my mind right now, i just can't compute what is what, or reconcile the left with the right, all i can say is that i've been here before, and, depending on what happens, i'll be here again... I'm going to try and retire from the world, to stop myself scraming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and worrying people with my mental images of nuclear explosions, fire, and nooses, but, even though they may seem depressive, they are a part of me, they are something that does connect with my mind

I hope that i come through this, but if i do, i don't knw how long it may take, or what i may go through in between, but if i don't, i hope that you remember the good things.

I love you all

Love this old hippy

Running, Running, and more running

Those of you who follow me on twitter may have noticed over the last day or two, i've got a bit of Enthusiasm up for trying to start doing some running again. This may just sound like the general thing that a lot of people in their late twenties and early thirties do - the whole i'm gonna start getting some exercise again,  but for me it is a lot lot lot bigger thing mentally...

People who know me (or have started to know me since 1999) will be quite shcked by this, but i used to be a nifty little athlete.  The shock comes because i am a chain smoking, drinking, lazy bastard with a pronounced pot belly.  If you'd seen me before 1999 you may have had a little bit of a heart attack.

Starting from the age of 8, i did athletics, only small events at first, like fun runs, but i absolutely and utterly loved doing it,  then, when i started at secondary school, i was incredibly lucky to have a PE teacher, who was also a AAA level 3 coach, who coached at the local athletics Club as well, and he recognised, almost as soon as i started in year 7, that i had a wee bit of a talent for running.  By the end of the first term, i had competed in my first ever competitive championships,  - My counties School Cross Country Championships,  a championships tht had produced 8 prior GB Club champions, and had managed to absolutely wipe the floor,  winning the 3 mile cross country (Year 7 & 8) by quite a margin,  i then went on to the regional championships, where i finished in the top 3,  then the nationals, where i was top ten.

This repeated with the club i joined,  a small market town club, which didn't have a great history, but had incredibly dedicated coaches, and older members who were more than happy for a scrote a few years younger than them to race, and beat on occasions.

Over the years, i competed in further and further athletics championships, Cross Country Championships, Half marathons, and even on 3 occasions, full marathons.  One of my fellow athletes, who i raced against on 12 occasions (beating him on 9 of them) is now, rightly one of the most renowned Long Distance athletes in the world, Mo Farah,  The friendliest man on the planet,  who i still see when i go to the athletics grand prixs as a spectator, and who, always manages to track me down in the crowd, run over, and give me a massive massive hug.  In his rces,, when he has won,  Mo still does something that i believe every athlete should, he goes and talks to every single person who was in the race, and gives them encouragement,  you can see when he's rcing on tv that all of the other atheletes absolutely love him!

This is all well and good,  but it doesn't answer the question of why i no longer run...That can be summed up with a few phrases

   1. Smoking
   2. Drinking
   3. Fucked Knees and Ankles from doing thousands upon thousands of miles of training runs, in badly fitted trainers (bought from the local market) on badly surfaced country roads.  The nearest training track was 35 miles away, and was impossible for me to get to, so i had to train on the roads

My knee wouldn't be as big a problem as it is, except for one thing...I went to a country clubs track & fiekld championship, the day after one of my friends 17th brithdays,  and i turned up incredibly incredibly hungover to try and defend my 3000m Steeplechase title.  If you are not aware of steeplechase,  just be aware that it is the most technical of the long distance events, and exact pacing is required...Now, because i was hungover, i managed to get my pacing slightly out, and when i went for a hurdle on the second lap, instead of my leading leg flying over smoothly, and then bringing my trailing leg through,  my leading leg hit, at the knee, the hurdle...This doesn't sound that bad, but the steeplechase hurdle is a lump of solid wood, which is 15*15cm, and it fucking hurts!

Since that day, my knee has been fucked, and i dropped out of athletics, as the pain, the days after i tried any form of athletics, when my knee seized up again, was just too much to cope with,  so i left all of my exertions behind, to become a sedentiary lazy fucker i am today, while still keeping up the calory intake i had previously!

Most of my muscles have gone flabby as i don't do any exercise at all,  except for (i am reliably informed by my wonderful girlfirend)  my leg muscles, which could still break somebody elses leg if it was trapped in between...

Last night, i made myself a Thursday resolution  (i refuse to do new years resolutions, as they always fail) tht i am going to start running again...I'm not going to do my normal trick, and go straight for a 25 min 5 mile run, i'm actually going to start small, and work my way up, working all of my muscles, and hopefully that will help bring my knee into place...I just need to get over this damn chest infection first...Rest assured, i will not be one of those annoying fuckers who jogs on the pavement in high vis jackets, i will be running, actually setting a pace, and doing countryside runs, not just town pavement ones.  My ultimate aim is to have the fitness levels back to be able to try and compete in the Wasdale Fell Race either next year, or 2013...The wasdale fell is one of the hardest fell races in this country, but the exhileration as you come down of the top is just unbelievable, and i would love to run it again!

If anyblody ahs any tips on hiow i can get my knees and ankles fit for running again, it would be highly appreciated!

fucking the fucking fuckers who've fucked me over

as you may be able to tell from the title, i'm not in the best place right now.  Am off work, with a lung infection, but what's not helping is worrying about  money.

I'm a 29yr old, with a very bad financial history, i still have defaults against my name because of stuff done when i was at uUniversity.  "here you go, have yourself a £2000 overdraft, and a £1000 credit card"  from many different banks, because at that point in life, i hadn't clicked on that the money tree was not real!

Why am i worrying now?  Mainly because i've had a look at my financial spreadsheet, and am balancing paydayloans in order to survive...i currently have approx ~£1000 of them, all of which are on rollovers every month, meaning i don't actually manage to reduce the amount i owe!

I'm a 29 yr old, who hasn't been on holiday since i was 16, unless you count going to friends for a week, and sleeping on their sofa, i don't own anything of value, i rent, i don't drive,  and yet i do actually earn good money!

I have a lot of very very good friends, but none of them are in a position to help me out, and, if they were, i don't think i'd be able to take up their offer, as borrowing money from friends and family is a recipe for disaster.

I'm almost at the point where i go fuck it, there's no point in being here anymore. Hopefully it won't get to that point, but it does feel like i'm edging closer and closer. I earn good wages, but most of it goes on paying back decade old overdrafts and credit cards, and none of the financial companies will lend to me, but they're more than happy to waste shitloads of taxpayers money on companies with no hope!

Sorry for the maudlinity, but i'm not really feeling at my best today, lung infection, depression coz of money, stress and anxiety.

thanks for taking the time to read this, i'm heading off to curl up and hide from the world forever

issues, issues and more issues

I said that i wasn't going to do a look back on the day of n30, coz it's just too big to try and get all thoughts and feelings down, so i'm not, i'm leaving that to people a lot more skilled in the art of writing, and connecting the thinking bit of the brain to the typing bit of the fingers,  what i am going to talk about is issues, specifically things that  i have issues wit, and they have issues with me.

There are many many things that i have issues with, ranging from bigotted cunts, to ignoramuses, to sheeple,  but there is only 1 thing i can think of that i have an issue with, and which in return has an issue with me,  and over the last few weeks it has been at the forefront of my mind.

This thing is something that everybody needs, but in varying amounts, and that everybody finds a problem at times....I'm talking about Sleep, Glorious Sleep, the time when we are able to switch off from all the worries and woes of the universe, and let our overact brains start spinning little hallucinogenic nuggets iof insanity that are otherwise called dreams.

What is my issue with sleep??  It's the constantly rotating sessions of sleep disorder that i have, going from Insomnia, to Hypersomnia, with narcolepsy thrown in on occasions.  I worked out, that if you average out my sleeping out, i need a minimum of 11hrs to function as a human being, and even then, that is pushing it! I do not understand how people can cope on 4 hours, as infamously Margaret Thatcher did.  actually, i can work it out in her case,  she's a cyborg, she's the second prototype cyborg ever made, after Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother.  Is it all starting to make sense yet?  Thats why she could get by on 4 hours sleep (we all know it was actually no sleep, she just needed to hide the fact that she was a cyborg who got her power through the broken dreams of the working class).  I'm definitely not one of those people.

As well as the hours upon hours upon hours of sleep that i need, i also need about 4 hours from when i eventually wake, until i am a fully functioning human being, and not a zombie,   anybody who has ever seen me in the morning will know that to be a fact. I cnnot function until my head has tried to contrast the warm fuzziness of being in sleep land to the cold harsh reality of the real world.  this is normally a long long battle, in which i am just a spectator, sat with a gallon cup of tea in my hand, staring blankly into the wall while lounging on my settee in my dressing gown.    The battle is a long fought one, but unfortunately, reality normally wins, and so i have to drag myself away :(

Over the last few weeks, in the build up to #n30, i have been having problems with my sleep,  when i say problems, what i really mean is that i am so stressed, and so exhausted from the build up, that when it gets to be sleep time, it was taking my head 5+hrs to get relaxed enough that it could go to sleep, and then by the time it was time to get up for work, it had only just started the obligatory hallucinations. This obviously leads to a vicious vicious spiral, and then suddenly,  me, the man who doesn't do stress, the man who normally has a natural THC content right up through the roof, the man who is stoned without even smoking,  gets so so so so stressed that i just explode, and dish out physical vilence, involving my skull, to inanimate objects.   It doesn't hurt (i seem to have an adamantium skull)  but it is very very satisfying.

Now that n30 is over, my plans involve resetting my Body/Sleep interface, by forcing it into a mutual assured position, through the copious use of raspberry vodka, spicy vodka, beer, and sleeping tablets.  I dopn't know whetehr i'll come out of this a human being, or if i will have turned into a grizzlky bear, but whatever, happens, my body may catch up on the long long missing sleep.  If i'm not seen by monday,  don't call the police, just let me be. I'll wake up when i'm ready in spring.

This may also mean that i sleep away my last month of being in my 20s, if so,  fair play.  I'll see you when i'm older.

Auf wiedersehen pets