So, yet again, am feeling a wee bit shit, but thats coz i'm on new painkillers for my ear, which aren't mixing well with the other ones i'm on, and also don't mix well with alcohol. I haven't eaten for about a week, I have food in, but I can't force any down my stomach, but have been drinking a fair bit. Am not sleeping well at all, but thats not news, that's just normal. Over the past 15 years i've managed to get on top of a lot of my autistic tendencies, but over the past few months they've been coming out to play a lot, because of the depression shit.
I have "safe places" and, even they're not feeling safe at the moment, my flat is turning into an absolute shit heap, I need to do some proper deep cleaning and throwing out of rubbish on it, the money troubles aren't helping with that at all. The drinking is hapoening to try and get my head in a place where I can cope with humanity, but that is not happening, i'm just getting pissed and ill. I'm trying to give myself a portable safe place, by wearing my warm hat permanently, but that isn't helping as much as it could do. I need to sort my head out, and get back to the good place I know I can get in. It's just hard because I only have a few good good friends where I live, most of the people I class as great mates live the other side of the country. I don't have anyone where I can just turn up at theirs and chill, that's what I miss most about the east midlands area I spent most of my life, and so, because I don't have this, I end up going to the pub - or one pub anyway, where I di feel fairly safe, but only when there are people I know there. I can't go to any other pubs in town, coz my head will not let me walk into somewhere unless I know there is somebody I know and get on with there. Even if i'm arranging to meet someone, I will not go in until I know that they are in there, and exactly where they are.
I'm starting getting paranoia trips again as well, even when i'm in my flat, I keep hearing joises (most probably ones that my ear has invented) and i'll think it's somebody who's broke in, and my heart will start palpitating.
I know that my head can get into a good place, where I can cope with society again, and where I don't have to put up the mask when I meet people that makes it seem like i'm ok, when i'm not. I've been in good head places before, and I know I can go there again, but, cyrrently it seems like a bit of a downward spiral. I hate it, I hate myself when i'm like this, which just makes everything worse and worse. What I would love to do right now is just upsticks, and live in a tent on a beach somewhere, but I can't do that. I can't afford to even travel and see my good friends, just to get to liverpool in a couple of weeks, i've had to scrimp and save money for a few months. I really really do not want to be like this, I want to be able to live life instead of living a lie. I refuse to take antidepressants, as, even though I don't like myself like this, at least I feel in someway like me, when I have to take antidepressants I don't feel like me, I feel like an alien, not connected with me at all.
I have always hated myself, I have never ever ever been able to see anything good about myself at all, and when people have said good things about me, I haven't believed them, but i've always been able to try and understand, I can't do even that at the moment, I hate myself and if anyone says anything good about me at all, they are a lying bastard
